Living with Molly was wonderful, but by the time we had move in together, Sandi was a child. She never seemed to like me, no matter how much I tried to be a father to her.
“You’re not my father,” she had said angrily on the first day she and Molly had moved in.
I had tried to stay calm. “I know I’m not,” I said. “And I can never replace him, but I want to do the best I can to be like a father to you.”
Sandi had glared at me and said nothing. Molly said it was probably just a phase she was going through, but I didn’t think she’d ever like me.
Molly and I were so happy together. We didn’t have a lot of money, and we both worked full-time jobs, but we always found time to be together.
One day, Molly got a surprise phone call.
“I told you, I don’t want to see you anymore!” I had heard her say, before she angrily hung up the phone.
She turned to me with a look of shame on her face.
“Sandi’s father,” she informed me. “He just got out of jail. He said he wants to see me and Sandi, and I told him no, but…” Tears began to well up in Molly’s beautiful brown eyes. I held her and stroked her head.
“It’s ok,” I told her.
“What if he comes here?” she asked burying her face in my chest so that I could barely make out what she was saying.
“I’ll protect you,” I promised.
* * *
Unfortunately, Molly had accurately predicted her ex-boyfriend’s arrival, and he came while Victor was at work.
“Hey, babe,” he said leering at her.
“Get away from my house, Gavin” she said angrily.
“You gotta at least let me meet my daughter,” he insisted. Molly reluctantly called Sandi outside.
“Sandi,” she said. “This is your father.”
Sandi looked at the man skeptically.
“Mom says you were in jail for stealing a pack of cigarettes. Is that true?” Sandi asked curiously.
“Sandi, that’s rude,” Molly scolded.
Gavin laughed. “That’s ok. I’m used to it. That’s true.” he confirmed “Well that and some other things…”
“He’s a repeat offender,” Molly said disapprovingly.
Gavin ignored Molly and continued talking to Sandi.
“Want to go for a ride on my motorcycle?” He asked raising one eyebrow.
“Oh, yes!” Sandi said with excitement.
“No Sandi, it’s too dangerous.” Molly said.
Sandi had pouted.
“Your mom’s real strict, isn’t she?” Gavin asked. “I would never be like that.” Molly glared at him.
“You’ve met your daughter now. Now go.” Molly ordered, pointing away from the house.
Gavin got on his motorcycle and drove away.
“He’s so cool!” Sandi squealed in admiration.
“Come inside -- now,” Molly said firmly. Sandi reluctantly trudged inside.
* * *
As Sandi grew up, she proved to be a difficult child. She refused to call me “Dad,” and disrespectfully called me Victor. It hurt me that now matter how hard I tried, I could not be a father to her. She did decently in school, but got in trouble a lot. There were several times that he teachers had to call home due to her bad behavior. Unfortunately, Molly was soft on her.
I’ll never forget the day that we got a call that Sandi had been bullying another student for months. The teacher said that Sandi had made her cry on several occasions, taunted her, embarrassed her, and sometimes even poked and prodded her.
Sandi had used her typical pout and whined,
“I didn’t mean to…”
All Molly said to her was,
“Don’t do it again.”
“Don’t you think we should have been harder on her?” I asked Molly later that evening. I said “we,” but I really meant “you.” I felt like I had no control over Sandi, especially since, as she so frequently reminded me, I was not her real father. I felt that it was not my place to raise Molly’s daughter for her, even though I knew she considered me her partner in this.
“Sandi’s a good girl over all,” Molly replied in defense of her child. Sandi was her baby. The two of them had always been very close. Molly could see no fault in her daughter, or if she did, she was in denial.
Unfortunately, Gavin’s visits became quite frequent. He insisted on seeing Sandi, and for some reason, Molly reluctantly allowed him. Whenever he came, he would start with his usual flirtation with Molly, and when she rejected him, he would shift his attention to Sandi. He made a point to come while I was at work, and the few times I was there, he seemed to take no notice of my presence. I had promised Molly that I would protect her, but despite my strong dislike for Gavin, I knew that Sandi was his daughter, and I felt that it was Molly’s choice to let him see her.
Sandi got along so well with Gavin. He was the “cool dad.” He would impress her with stories about being in jail and tell her jokes that I felt were much too adult for a girl of her age. Everything about him rubbed me the wrong way, from his tattooed biceps bulging out of his undershirt (which failed to be under anything) to his baggy jeans, earrings, and baseball cap that he insisted on wearing sideways. I wondered what Molly ever saw in him. And yet Sandi loved him. He always made her laugh, and she was always so excited when she heard the doorbell indicating his unplanned and uninvited arrival. She even called him “Dad,” and on the few times that he came while I was home, I felt that she did it deliberately. I was at once repulsed and jealous of him.
Soon, Sandi was a teenager and idolized him even more than before. His rebellious behavior appealed to her, and his negative influence on her became even more clear. She acted out even more in school, talking back to teachers, cheating on tests, and being mean to the other students. Once she was even caught smoking a cigarette, which I had no doubt she got from Gavin, in the girl’s bathroom. She would also disobey us and do things just to spite us. She would miss curfew, take the car out without permission, skip school, and sometimes even steal things just for the rush of adrenaline. She was also very rude to Molly, and seemed to go out of her way to be mean to her. This was not simply the phase of an unruly teenager, but the beginning of delinquency. She and Gavin would simply laugh about her misdeeds.
One day, I had finally had enough.
“I want you out of my house now!” I shouted at Gavin.
“I don’t have to go! You’re not Sandi’s father! I am!” he taunted.
“Get out of my house before I call the police,” I said, through gritted teeth. I had never been so furious.
“This isn’t over,” he said as he swaggered out the door. I was seething. Sandi stared at me in shock and then ran after him. Molly put a calming hand on my shoulder.
“Is this the kind of guy you like?” I asked angrily. “Is this the kind of man you want influencing your daughter?”
Molly was surprised, and then her face reddened in humiliation and anger.
“That was a long time ago, Victor!” she said indignantly. “I had a thing for bad boys. And, no, as matter a fact, I want him no where near my daughter, but he’s her father!” Molly walked out the door in a huff.
I was all alone. I was furious at Gavin and frustrated with Molly, but I was also angry at myself for the way I had handled the situation.
Molly came back that evening, and when she got home I apologized and gave her a bouquet of flowers that I bought while she was gone. She apologized too. I knew she was ashamed of her past, and I knew that she hated having Gavin around as much as I did.
We kissed and made up, and later, we made up in another way.
Policemen brought Sandi home that night, and Sandi had some strong words for me.
“How could you?” She yelled at me. “You’re not my father! You’ll never be my father! I hate you!” Before I could respond, she ran to her bed and buried her face under her pillow in anger. I felt so helpless. I also felt that I had failed as a father…
The next morning, Molly found a note in the kitchen. Sandi had run away to live with Gavin.
Molly was inconsolable. Sandi’s letter not only blamed me for making Gavin leave and “making” her hate me so much, it also blamed Molly for not raising her well and not being there for her because she had worked so much when Sandi was a child. I held Molly in my arms and comforted her.
“It’s not your fault,” I said stroking her head. “You were a single mother. You did everything you could for her.” Molly answered me with muffled tears. I hated to see Molly so upset, and even I barely managed to cope. I had not gotten along with Sandi, but she was still my daughter, even if not biologically and even if she would not admit it. I felt very sad, and I worried that I had failed her or that I had not tried hard enough to be a father to her. Our next several weeks were awful, and we knew that we couldn’t force her to come back to us. We could only hope that Gavin was taking care of her.
After such a difficult time, we found a ray of sunshine.
“I’m pregnant,” she said with a mix of excitement and anticipation for my reaction. First my jaw dropped. Then I smiled. Then I frowned. Then I smiled again. I was going to be a father. As much as I tried to be a father to Sandi, she would not let me, and I was happy that I was going to have a child of my own. I pulled Molly in for a tight hug.
“Congratulations, Molly,” I whispered.
We still worried about Sandi, and hoped that she would come back to us one day, but we awaited our baby with excitement and anticipation. We were going to have a child, and it was going to be a child we had together.
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